Ex-Goddess, Now Kiremi*

2009-06-02T12:42:00.001+08:00

This blog has come to the end of its life.

2009-03-25T13:53:00.001+08:00

My problem is I desperately want to be the panacea for everybody's pain, when in actual fact, I don't have what it takes to do that.

I am so angry with myself.

2009-03-04T16:49:00.005+08:00

My dearest, dearest Axinar (John Kennedy),

I just heard the news. And I am having trouble believing it.

John, how can you be gone? This is so surreal...a world without you. Although we hardly speak as much as we used to, you were always gonna be inmy life.

I've always had that picture in my head...the one where you said that after all my adventures, I was gonna end up knocking on your door with my kid some day, asking you to take us in. ... We laughed about it all the time, Ax...and now you're gone. Whose door would I knock on now?

I remember how you wanted me to come up to school there. I remember how we first met. I remember our phone conversations. I remember so many things now and it's fucking bringing tears to my eyes. John, you finally did it. You made me cry.

Just yesterday I was wondering...how come John doesn't comment in my blog anymore... and today, Diana informs me that you're gone.

I hope you mom and you dad are okay. I hope Diana will be okay. I cannot imagine what she'll be going through.

I can't..I can't do this. I can't say goodbye. I won't say goodbye.

What I'll say is... you will always have a very special place in my heart. You'll be missed, love.

The Goddess Of Kuala Lumpur (you christened me, remember?)

2009-03-03T15:35:00.003+08:00

u know what i am tired of?

i am tired of being the substitute.

the second best.

the could have been.

the best fuck you ever had who isn't wife material.

the soulmate you could never be with.

the one who tries and tries and tries to make it all worth it for all of you but then ends up falling flat on her face.

i'm not gonna be that girl anymore.

i'm giving all of you the finger. go fuck a tree, assholes.

i don't love you. i don't love any of you anymore.

2009-02-27T12:48:00.002+08:00

i am at home.

i am writing a story.

desperately wishing that i am pregnant and not just feeling these things because my hormones are out of whack (which they are because the damn test turned out negative).

i've got u2's |throw|your|arms|around|the|world| playing in the background.

and i am mighty amused at the fact that M has named sharifah, sherry.

2009-02-20T18:21:00.004+08:00

you're not here.

i wish you'd....sing me to you.

go on. sing me to you.

i miss you.

the heart aches but we must be strong

2009-01-28T14:33:00.005+08:00

spotted a
turqouise,
clutch

@ robinson's

will i own it
by nightfall?

lunched @ the gardens today. i was wondering if there was any possibility of us running into each other.

but even if we did, should i come say hi to you? i think i want to leave that up to you. whatever you're comfy with.

whatever you're comfy with. i'm a girl who goes with the flow.

2009-01-28T09:22:00.002+08:00

Three years ago, on this day I became your wife.

You asked me last night if I had any regrets. In true Anu fashion, I said, "no comment."

But I have none. No regrets. It is all as it should be. We have some lessons to teach each other and I am open to learning.

I love you.

Being normal means managing your insanity

2009-01-17T10:41:00.007+08:00

"I think you have been in the dark too long and take it for someone who has been there too... that it does nothing for you. Time for you to come out of whats unreal and seek the bright light of truth. Honestly, you will find yourself in a better place that the fantasy world you are in right now" said someone whom I believe cares abough about me to want me to be ok, but doesn't care enough to tell me who he/she is.

Frankly, the bright light of truth is a bit overrated if you ask me. And then again, so is the dark.

Here's the thing:

I manage my insanity. That's why I have this blog. It's a check and balance thing.

It's my 'Cage of Madness'm an outlet I choose to come to whenever I feel I'm thinking dark thoughts. It's better I let it all out here than carry them around in my head and then totally lose it someday.

I live in a fantasy world? Far from it. I am not schizophrenic.

Yes, I create alternate realities when writing. But it's only when I am writing. I do not profess to hearing voices (only that of my consceience) and I realise I cannot live alone in my own world (although the possibility of it excites me so sometimes).

I have a decent job which i channel my drive for career advancements - and to a degree my successs are quite satisfying and confidence-boosting. This job involves a considerable amount of team work and people interaction and I have generally pleasant relations with most of them. The ones I don't like I write morbid blog entries about. Haha.

I have a life that's pretty normal - a normal marriage, filial duies to carry out, a home to keep, people to be responsible for, holidays to plan, budgets..those kinda stuff. When these people piss me off, I don't usually yell at them...I write angry blog posts.

I have personal goals - some of them I achieve, some of them I don't. And I can still live with myself after that without blowing my brains out so...

You see I live in the light. I come into the dark when the light gets a bit too blinding.

So it's all well-balanced, see?

Too much of anything is bad for you.

So yeah, don't worry your pretty head too much. :-)

Take care and
I love you too.

2009-01-16T17:59:00.001+08:00

i think i am about to kill this blog.

2009-01-15T18:47:00.021+08:00

i want to go against the grain.

i want to sink my fangs in your skin and drink your blood till you're almost dying. then i'd feed u to my friends, the wolves.

2009-01-09T23:46:00.023+08:00

I walk into the room rite after a smoke, accompanied by Z. I see u there.

U have been waiting for me, I can tell.

Suddenly i wish i had popped a mint to freshen my breath. I wish i hadn't taken that little detour to the beach after dinner to satisfy my craving for a smoke. Fuck, i wish i'd never picked up the habit in the first place.

Then i wouldn't have to walk up to u perfumed in the smell of them tobacco leaves and the countless vile chemicals they put in them long white sticks of death.

"ok let's do this" u say as i sit in front of the pc and u pull a chair to sit there rite next to me.

U are sitting wayy too close for comfort, wayy too close for me to not smell ur cologne. Wayy too close that my heart's beating too fast.

We work on your speech fr tomorrow. You are in your element, as always. I fall in love with you. Again.

tell me, what time does the next bus to insanity leave?

2009-01-07T13:43:00.003+08:00

i feel so angry. so completely lost.
so frustrated.
numb at times.
but grit teeth kinda angry most of the time.

i also feel like a sore thumb, sometimes.

so....

what if i totally completely lost it?
what if i don't want to be responsible for anything anymore?
what if i woke up one day and decided to let go of everyone and everything and just escape everything?

is it a decision i can make? or is it something beyond my control?

i am so fucking sick and tired of reality. sick and tired of having to make sense. sick and tired of being accountable. sick and tired of being bound by the limitations i have placed on myself. sick and tired of family. sick and tired of being sick and tired.

fucking sick. fucking tired.
and ready to die
but too fucking coward to pull the trigger and blow my brains out.

i feel so fucking alone in this world, i might as well just kill myself

2009-01-07T13:36:00.003+08:00

today, i hate EVERYONE.

fuck you, world.

MISTER BROWN I MISS YOU

2009-01-07T13:35:00.000+08:00

Mister Brown, I miss you.
Mister Brown, I miss you.
Mister Brown, I miss you.
Mister Brown, I miss you.
Mister Brown, I miss you.
Mister Brown, I miss you.

A final note, Mister Brown

2008-12-27T12:59:00.002+08:00

There is no need to forgive coz you haven't done anything wrong to me. I met a kindred spirit when a time i needed to most but i knew what i signed up for and this is part of it. We have to do what we have to do.

But to tell you the truth, this may be the universe's way of setting us back on the courses we were originally meant to take. We or at least I need to set things right in my life, and it is time to get serious about it.

I also think that the reason why we never really took things beyond what we did was because our loyalties really are with them. I need to come to terms with the purpose why I am here, and the real reason why I have chosen the path I have.

I wish you the best things in life, and hope you find your pot at the end of the rainbow, if you haven't already.

There is no pain or anger, just a lingering sadness which will heal with time.

And please do not be hard on yourself about this. I will get through this and so will you.

Take care.

like we have nothing else better to do.

2008-12-17T15:30:00.003+08:00

my crush on N is dead, said i.

no its not. its in remission, said M.

i mean i am sure that its not in remission. it's dead. as a doornail. or MGR...whichever seems more dead to you, said i.

MGR is immortal. say MIC, said he.

and i laughed. i laughed coz you're fun like that, ain't ya M?

ACRID

2008-12-16T18:32:00.007+08:00

i just lost a fucking brilliant bitter post due to a network glitch.it's title was ACRID.

how do i feel right now?

like shit.

i feel hatred, thick and black. the kinda hatred that makes you wanna do evil things. except that i'm writing.

anyways... lemme try and recreate that post.

i remember saying "i bought some very colourful, funky stationery today. they were predominantly purple but i still feel so fucking alone.

it's not that i hate feeling alone, mind. I WANT to be alone. I NEED TO BE ALONE.

i want to go someplace where none of you exist. someplace new. someplace they won't recognise me. the slightest hint of recognition and i'm outta there.

and i don't want to take these memories with me. i want to forget, forget, forget. it's not that you've all been bad to me. you've all been absolute dolls.

but you are not my chill pill. i feel sick.sad.depressed.outraged.gritmyteethangry.if i had a gun i'd shoot ya kinda angry.

oh damn, this wasn't the entry i typed earlier. it started the same but its gettin a bit gorier than i had intended for it to be. the earlier one i had intended for it to be morbid.

fuck this.

2008-12-03T23:08:00.003+08:00

why does the heart soar up into the sky like this, when i am with u?

It shouldnt be doing that. I'm supposed to be depressed.suicidal.a tragedy.

But being with u makes me incredibly, stupidly happy.

why must we conform?

2008-11-27T13:34:00.003+08:00

(hormonal...hormonal...hormonal)

and dying to break away from this stifling, stifling place.

i wonder when will it happen?

who's the catalyst?
what is the catalyst?
where's the catalyst?

i'm sorry for being kinda bitchy today.

You

2008-11-26T22:27:00.003+08:00

Yours is a soul that's familiar with mine. A heart that I have known maybe in another life.
That could explain everything that I feel right now.

I don't think the world will understand and I don't quite care.

Sense and sensibility

2008-11-24T22:14:00.003+08:00

We interviewed Chef.Wan today and after taking like a whole lot.. he summed it all by saying that his life is a mess - A BEAUTIFUL MESS.

I so love that expression. I so wish that someday, I can say the same thing, dahling.

But right now its just a mess. Think blank canvass, black background with splotches of different coloured paint. It would be purple, chartreuse, white, red and blue.

Makes no sense whatsoever.

sometimes i think that i chose the wrong path

2008-11-20T00:54:00.002+08:00

sometimes
when i am immensely happy
(like today)

i think that i'm gonna die soon.

oh don't worry about me so much.

i
have
a
death
wish.

and a dead fish. i am a dead fish.

i'm serious.

not much motivation for me to cling on to life anyways.

you feel like that sometimes?

2008-11-15T09:59:00.002+08:00

i don't want to go back home this weekend.
i want to stay here, in my home.

i don't want to attend that wedding.
i don't want to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is alright.

i want to sit back here and wallow in my misery.

i hate you coz you're not letting me.

My separate reality

2008-11-04T16:56:00.003+08:00

my holiday read was veronika.decides.to.die.

paulo told me that its ok

1) to be mad.
2) to make clocks that go around the other way
3) just let yourself fail

what is madness but the curse of being different? just because the majority do not see it from your point of view does not mean you cannot be right. or that they are right.

we were made to be different and yet here we are struggling to conform. struggling to remain sane.

sanity is the result of groupthink. and groupthink will lead to downfall of men. and women. and children.

c'mon, now.

let's break away.

let's be mad.

let's live.

(i suddenly feel this strong urge to dance and then make mad passionate love to you)

i think the universe is obsessed with creating balance

2008-10-19T22:37:00.005+08:00

the universe gives,
and then she takes.

perhaps someday, i'll be thankful for this. but right now... it hurts like hell.

Untitled. Yet.

2008-10-19T22:36:00.000+08:00

It is 2 am. Today, they need no candles, they don't switch on the lamp next to the bed. The dull amber light filtering in from the street through the curtains is enough. They were lying in bed, face-up, her hand in his.

"Why do you love me?"

"Because you are you."

"You know I need an explanation to that. Can't be that simple?"

"You are anything but simple but you're gonna have to live with that answer."

"What if I can't?"

"That's your problem."

"What?"

"The fact that you cannot trust the fact that I love you."

"You do?" She turns towards him

"More than you'll ever know."

"What is it like being in love with me?" she takes her hand away from his.

"Heartbreaking, most of the time. Very rewarding on a good day."

"I break you heart? How so?"

"Because you won't let me in. You're quite distant, emotionally and that annoys the fuck outta me."

"So why are we together then?"

"Well..let's see. The sex is good, for one."

"Hmm... sarcasm, we're getting somewhere with this."

"You want me to hurt you. Why?"

"Or is it the challenge? You like the challenge"

"I asked you a question."

"And I don't want to answer it."

"You must."

"Okay, Because I think you will hurt me eventually anyway."

"I don't want to. You're doing quite well on your own already and if I can't help you stop it, I'm not gonna go and make it worse."

"Oh but you will, dearest. Someday, you will."

"How do I convince you that that isn't gonna happen?"

" I don't know. Catch me when I fall?"

"You are always falling and I am always catching you. Isn't that enough?" he turns towards her and puts his arms around her. They're looking at each other. She traces her index finger along the side of his face.

"Maybe nothing is ever enough in love, eh?" she kisses her index finger.

"Maybe" he takes that same finger and kisses it.

She sighs.

"But tell me, what do you want?" he kisses her on the lips. She kisses him back and says, "Happiness."

"I don't make you happy?"

"Sneaking around like this? No. I don't want another adventure. I want something grounded, something that has some semblance of stability to it."

"That's what this is to you? An adventure?"

"I'm hoping that it isn't."

"There you go again. Doubting me."

"I am sorry but I can't help it."

"It's okay...Guess I'm getting used to it now."

"See, that's how I know you love me. Its terribly conceited of me, I'll admit but you putting up with me..."

"Everyday is like treading on eggshells with you. I don't appareciate that. You want something grounded, something stable but you're fucking quicksand."

"So don't be with me."

"Can't do that!"

"Why? Coz the sex is good?"

"Shut up lah!"

She laughs. She sits up and reaches for her cigarette pack, takes out a stick, brings it to her lips and lights it. She takes a long drag.

"That stuff will kill you, you know?"

"What is it to you if I die?"

"Nothing much really. But I suppose if anything, it will mean a lot less heartache."

"I like that line of thinking. Very practical."

"I know."

"But you don't really know, do you?

"Know what?"

"Nothing smartass. I can't smoke in here. I'm not enjoying my cigarette. I'm going outside," she got up and made for the door.

She does it again. Denies him entry into her thoughts.

"Not putting on your clothes?"

"Oye Mister Practical, I don't need clothes when I have you. Come with me. We'll share this cigarette along with some more love."

He doesn't smoke but what the fuck? A little bit of adventure on the balcony ain't gonna harm anyone. He pulls the curtains open to let out the stink of her cigarettes. Then, he puts on his boxers and goes out of the room, looking forward to some love on the balcony.

Scorpios

2008-10-15T18:42:00.004+08:00

It's raining cats and frogs. Yippee!!!

What would it feel like to be working with a team full of women whose have the same Scorpio star sign when you're a Scorpio yourself?

Now I understand the independent streak, the suffering in silence, the pride that gets in the way, the intuitiveness, and despite that intuitiveness, the inability or rather refusal to see eye to eye.

Just like with my mom.

I am surrounded by Scorpios. It's a curse, I'll tell ya...

2008-10-09T22:30:00.005+08:00

How much crying
as if love’s dying
falling

to the floor, to the floor
broken like a broken thing
as if red’s all gone
and black’s now come
riding in
like a knight in shining
armour

where’s your sword?
stick it in me
in and out
just like fucking’s meant to be
guilt-ridden
like a blood stain on a white sheet
innocence all gone
hymen all torn
rip me up, I won’t blow no
smoke rings
and dying lifeless things

hatred, thank your lucky stars
i am incapable of it
dark, on a moonless night
and I see
your face
your shifty, shifty
changeling gaze
inspires nothing
in me, nothing

why did I give my heart to you
as if I didn’t know what’s to come
as if my instincts have ever been wrong

for a child yet unborn?
for knife that cut my wings?
for the death of me, my pride

your bride, you wanted me as your
beautiful blushing bride
as if you could handle these lips
these secret things
the skeletons and their ilk
and then what reward?
you?

2008-10-05T16:36:00.000+08:00

I love our conversations. I love you.

2008-10-05T10:20:00.002+08:00

It is true that the universe speaks to us.

Just when I was feeling so completely lost, my uncle (he is someone I feel spiritually close to, a potential teacher even but I have never spoken to him about my problems) sends me a rudraksha.necklace through his son who was coming here.

Also...on the very day that I decided to start working on The Story.

Whaddya make of that?

Alone

2008-10-01T16:35:00.002+08:00

Yet again, I woke up to an empty space next to me.
Yet again, I woke up feeling like I want to break you into a million pieces.

I never imagined it would be like this.
I don't have the strength to go on like this.

I will break someday.

Do you read, me?

All this sorrow that I keep here bottled,
it would turn into the fucking rope that I'll hang from.

Corpse. Dead.
Leaving you all alone because that's what you fucking deserve.

How can you do this to me?

Don't you dare cry for me.
You never really knew me.

*everytime i try, to fly, i fall, without my wings, i feel so small, i guess i need you baby

2008-09-29T09:04:00.004+08:00

Saj, God knows I miss you terribly but I can't seem find my way back to you.

*lyrics - Everytime.by.Britney.Spears.

Well I never pray, but tonight I'm on my knees*

2008-09-24T00:38:00.009+08:00

I keep wondering how is it that I can be at peace with the rest of the world, and increasingly I am coming to realise that its not someone else's responsibility to give me that happiness.

I grew up with idea that I will someday find someone who will make me happy. That's utter rubbish isn't it?

My bitterness is nauseating, sometimes.

Or rather its a flame that consumes everything that I hold dear. But please understand that I hate it when it consumes not just me but other people as well. I feel helpless when it happens but what I really deserve is a slap on my face, which btw none of you will give me because you're all nice people. I've forgotten to count my blessings.

You were a victim of my bitterness, weren't you? You still are, you poor soul. And yet, all you've ever done is love me. And all I keep doing to you is doubt you. And you still say you love me. All of you.

That's what I do to all of you. I doubt you. Every-Fucking-One. WHY?
Why did I turn out to be like this? Why can't I just have some faith in Every-Fucking-One?

It's no one else's fault. Not my mom's. Not his. Not yours or yours.

All mine.

Dammit! How does one deal with a burden as heavy as this? A realisation as palpable as this?

Is this why people go insane?

I need to fix this or I'm gonna end up living a miserable life. Feeling depressed as fuck (and one thought that one chased the blues away).

Doing more stupid things. Hurting more people. Crying...crying all the fucking time.

You gotta stop being a child at some point, no? Get a grip on it.. gotta stop thinking the world fucked you over and all.

This is not how I want to be. Promise. I hate, hate, hate being this way. Makes me want to jump off the balcony, it does. Or maybe swallow some pills. But I know better than that. Besides..the mother-in-law works at emergency..imagine her heartbreak when she sees me being brought in. She keeps telling me how only stupid people attempt suicide. I am not stupid.

But I'm the girl who never got her shit together... who knows that she needs to do it. (Digression: How's that for a title Ms Blyton? - with reference to the Naughtiest Girl series titles. I suppose I should stick to 'Alone in Crowded Places' eh?)

I need to go inside, like I said in my previous post. And, I need to find God. But I don't know how to do it.

*Line taken from TheVerve's BitterSweetSymphony

Teacher

2008-09-08T09:10:00.003+08:00

It's a Monday morning but you don't need me to tell you that.

I woke up this morning with an intense desire to get to know my soul.
I think, what I need, what the world needs is introspection.
We need to look into ourselves.

For what? For what?

The truth dammit. Something we've all forgotten. Something we've left behind in pursuit of materialsm. We've all been taking the wrong route to happiness coz the happiness you get outta pursuing these things is too damn transient. It slips through your fingers before you've had a real chance to savour it.

All this while, I have been seeking others to accept me. How can they, when even I don't.
What do I accept? Who am I?

I stand at this crossroad. I am ready to learn.

This is my call to you. I want to find you.

Frigid

2008-08-16T02:38:00.008+08:00

lousy day at work. too many battles to fight. far too many.

he picked me up at around 8.30pm.
and then he asked me "are you making dinner?"
i said, "you gotta be kidding!"
he said "just checking, you always want to make dinner"
mom calls. asks me about how things are. tells me she's okay.
he asks me, "what did she say?"
"nothing much lah" i reply.

and then the usual argument about where to have dinner.

i'd ask him to decide and he'd ask me to decide.
when i decide, i know he's not loving the idea. as always.
"you decide," i say.
same old, same old.
back and forth. and no decision. as always.

we drive around a bit. talk about things - our day, our colleagues, what we had for lunch.

"k@yu?" he asks

"yeah, fine with me." i lie. i so do not feel like na$i k@ndar or any other mamak food for dinner, yo!

a very non-satisfactory dinner later we're on the way home.

i am thinking about the proposal i need to prepare for wednesday. i feel so tired. dead tired. are the dead all that tired?

we get home. shite! last stick in the box. share a cigarette.
we need to get a pack but are too damn lazy to go out again.

i do the laundry, read the papers for a bit. i'm tired as hell. and my back aches like a fucker.

i look at my face in the mirror. fuck, i look haggard.

step into the shower. this is good. nice and warm.

get dressed.

the muscle relaxant is kicking in. switch the tv off. decide to have a short lie down and end up sleeping for 2 1/2 hours.

he wakes me up to ask if i am gonna get any work done tonite. sometimes i love him because he's this sweet, this understanding. i say no, i am damn tired and i need to sleep. but then we get to talking again. about us, about me going away for a couple of days and how he would be lonely. deal with it, lah mister!

he falls asleep.

and i can't. i wake up. i want a cigarette. DESPERATELY. but there is none. i want another muscle relaxant but i am not that stupid. i settle for orange juice...the acid could cut the craving. i don't even know if that makes sense but wtf, eh? anything to kill to a craving.

started working on my proposal. ideas flowing like water. now it's done.

2.56am.

and i can't sleep.

contemplating whether i should shoot out the mail. but then people might think, "kiasu bitch! wanna show us she working till 3am." can i live with that perception of me? no! so am not sending it out tonight.

i should quit messing with my sleep pattern, shouldn't i?

2008-08-15T16:19:00.003+08:00

at the rate i am going, i might as well
CRASH N BURN, baby!

i need time off, sleep and my Mister Brown.

CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT ANYMORE.

every girl needs a Mister Brown in her life.
so the pain won't be so intense, right?

BREATHE...I'VE JUST GOTTA BREATHE.

Verses for my love

2008-08-13T23:13:00.001+08:00

I suppose your touch

would be like the first drops

of rain

to touch parched soil

or the brushing of silk

against my skin

I suppose your presence

would give me a natural high

quite like the first drag of a cigarette

after not having smoked in 3 days and half

I suppose being with you

would feel like coming home

to what is meant to be

Is it meant to be?

And being in your arms

Would make me feel safe

If you say you’ll never let go

And what if I told you:

you

make me think of

bright whites

blues and pinks and

yellows

happy things

pretty things

of sunsets and seashores

and finding there

pretty pretty shells

of rolling green hills and

a perfectly clear blue sky

happy things

pretty things

You are everything good

and then some

Mister Brown

because

you hold my heart

in your hands

and keep my love safe

in your heart.

....a suggestion.

ispywithmylittleye

2008-08-09T17:59:00.012+08:00

i found this in Amma's gar-den.

pointless pic number 1.
my glasses wanted to camwhore.

pointless 2 but pretty.

such.serenity.

sunset@myfavouritetown.

the flower that smells VERY nice at nite.
and just NICE in the morning.
i like.

car.broke.down @ ipoh minus 37 kilometres

mygoodfriendmissjillsterwelcomesme. :-)
she's teaching me how to be friends with doggies.

when camwhore meets camwhore.

they don't make windows like these anymore.
it reminded me of the house at 17th mile. and the happiest times ever.

kickasssrilankankathakkalis. (i have 3 at home.)

if only you'd been with me....
it'd be
you, me and cotton candy.
:-)

panjangnyer ekor kau, enche-enche & puan-puan si|verleaf.

you see them si|verleafs?

mommy and baby perched high-up in a tree.

err... ex-tree.

perfect innit?

ahah. total malaysiana.

yes lah! we ended up buying.

the old shops @ g0peng

spotted a terribly hungover monkey just before we reached rivendell.

Spinning Around

2008-07-24T08:54:00.004+08:00

http://biz.thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/7/24/business/21904857&sec=business

This is unethical reporting. It was not what we said.

if i lay here, if i just lay here would you lie with me and just forget the world?

2008-07-23T15:08:00.003+08:00

har bloody har! all the regulators are getting whacked by the media...

wayta go oil.corpse!

look @ me. 2 crises at hand (1 internal, 1 external). 2 press conference on a different matter over the next 3 days. one opening ceremony. many ks worth of media buys to decide on. 1 failed media supplement i'm supposed to take the fall for.

and i'm still breathing.

*pats self on back*

but.but.but i do -absofuckinglutely- miss someone right now. been chasing cars around my head all alone these past few days. :-(

The Shoe Post

2008-07-19T14:22:00.003+08:00

These boots are made for walking
(okay lah, these are not boots but it's a nice song wot!)
and that's just what they'll do.

One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

And
I am not singing the Jessica Simpson version, mind!

.

And since this is a shoe post, I have to add that I have started to get quite obsessed about toe cleavage and am on a hunt to find the perfect pair of shoes that will reveal just the first two cracks. Heheh!

O yes... a girl must take her shoes very, very, very seriously.

2008-07-18T14:04:00.000+08:00

The end to everything has started. I think.

Shooting one's self in the foot

2008-07-14T09:49:00.005+08:00

Our media response was carried today in the BeeTee, although upon reading it in the papers, I feel we said the wrong things. I mean for an agency that's trying to assert its position among regulators... we sound so damn non-committal. I worry about how the co-regulators and other stakeholders would perceive this.

would they think we're doing the 'ostrich' thing? sticking our heads in the sand, again?

but seriously...why should we reduce our role to that of arbitrator? we're a regulator, and getting into the ring to play referee just isn't what we should do. we sit on the sidelines and watch. if someone is playing dirty, then we go in to investigate once the facts are established and if there is grounds for enforcement to step in, we do our thing. its as simple as that. that's the stand.

of course wielding the stick is the last resort. before that, we educate the people we regulate - we give them the opportunity to access the relevant knowledge and we set the boundaries for them through rules and regulations.

however, i dont think the q&a projected the right message to the market. it was too inward looking. filled with self-interest. pukul canang je banyak banyak...should have seen it from a lay person's point of view instead of allow the accountants opinions to influence me.

i feel quite terrible for not having detected all this.

i'd like to blame the burn out but i know better than to do that.

2008-07-12T18:11:00.006+08:00

garbage's number 1 crush is playing (actually blasting is more like it) in the background.
have you heard it? it's pretty intense.
just the way i like it. just right.

i am alone today. i needed to be alone today.
coz i need to twist a knife and bleed my aching heart. and tear it apart (sorry garbage, i pinjam your line.)

oh but you must forgive the drama.

the universe heard the cry of the ex.goddess and sent her ... an answer. (*when everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.)

and i feel like the goddess. i feel like me again.

thank you, you. :-)

*Also thank you for Iris, Goo Goo Dolls!

2008-06-30T18:01:00.002+08:00

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

-Superman, Five for fighting

Good God, I am so close to the edge. Coz there's nowhere else to go to.
I feel so alone. SO ALONE, AMMA.
There was a time when you told me that I could count on you to be there for me always.
And now you're a stranger.

Did I do this? Did I make us this way?
Did I throw us away?
I'm sorry, I never meant to.

You won't even listen to me anymore. You don't care about whether I am happy anymore. It seems like you've washed your hands off me. But you can't do that.
There's no one else, you know.

Yesterday, he said he feels real sorry for me because he feels that you don't love me as a mother should love her daughter. I would have slapped him, Amma, had I not believed a little bit of it myself. Is he right?

Why are you punishing me?

Oh God, please make her love me. Or I'd rather just die.

2008-06-23T17:17:00.002+08:00

like.alice.
i.am.falling.

would.you.
catch me?

would.you.
hold me?
thrill me?
kiss me?

kill me?

2008-05-29T18:11:00.003+08:00

i need to fall in love again.

2008-05-27T10:25:00.002+08:00

The universe is not speaking to me. She is silent.

That is why I have gone silent, too.

Does it bother you that I no longer speak to you?

2008-03-26T16:22:00.002+08:00

Love.is.a.terrible.thing.
especially.when.it's.one.sided
especially.when.you.have.to.answer.french.accented.phone.call.after.phone.call.
sms.after.sms.
always.french.accented.
french.vanilla'd.
french.everything'd.
all.frenched.out.
oui. monsiuer.
tell.me.
voulez.vous.coucher.avec.moi.ce.soir?
really.now.
this. is.getting.quite.mad.

An idealistic Malaysian Indian's diatribe

2008-03-10T08:39:00.004+08:00

They keep saying that Malaysian-Indians have lost their only Cabinet Minister in Parliament and have therefore lost our only voice in the Government.

I say so what?

If you are a Malay or Chinese person, wouldn't you help an Indian who needs it? Wouldn't you reach out, as a human to help another human, if you were in the position to do so? If I was in such a position, I would help the person no matter what his race/ nationality/ religious inclination/sexual preference is.

Why do we need an Indian cabinet minister to watch out for the Indian society? Going by the premise that humans must look out for their fellow humankind, why on earth do we need to promote sectarian interests like this?

There is life beyond discrimination and we Malaysians know that! So many of us are testament to that fact that race could never come in between our friendship with each other. I am not going to deny someone who's in need of my help simply because he/ she ain't Indian. I daresay that all of you who read this - regardless of race, religion and creed - would feel the same.

Yeah, call me an idealist but really people... isn't it idealism that has fuelled this huge desire for change? Isn't it idealism that has seen BN losing some of its most crucial states to the Opposition? Aren't integrity, accountability and honesty some of the ideals that many Malaysians voted for last Saturday?

Idealism may not be the same as pragmatism, but isn't the latter the cause of the fucked-up situation the country is in?

Take for example corruption - I cannot help but call it the pragmatic approach to things because the lines between what's right and what's wrong are blurred. It depends on one's values system, one's morality, which is the most subjective thing on earth.

For example, someone could think that so long as no humans die as a result of a project that they are approving, it doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter if the environment suffers a little bit.. doesn't matter if one or two people will lose their jobs... what the heck? Besides, he or she has to be a good parent and pay for his/ her daughter's university education so the child would graduate and come out to serve the needs of the nation. "Fine, you pay me this money and I'll see to it that your project gets approved so that I can pay for my daughter's studies" the person thinks therefore justifying the corruption.

But just for the fun of it, I put on my prgamatist's cap and came up with the following. Having no Indian cabinet minister might even be a good thing because now we will be able to determine if the others really care about the Indians the way they say they do. Dontcha think?

I don't quite give a damn whether or not MIC ever returns to walk the corridors of power again. Actually, to be frank I hope it never recovers from this blow because I believe that the time for race-based politics is over in this country whether or not the man on the street is ready for it. In fact, if he isn't it will be the job of the leadership of this country to prep him for it. Not exploit him for your own personal gain by feeding his fears and insecurities.

The greater agenda is to promote racial integration by projecting a leadership that practices what it preaches.

The greater agenda is to teach our kids that Malaysia is made up of Malaysians - not Malays, Chinese, Indians and 'dan lain lain'. And where our kids are concerned the biggest agenda is to ingrain in them the importance of good values like integrity, honesty and respect for fellow humans.

Because the greatest agenda is to arrest the disgusting rot (all forms of it) that has messed up our nation.

2008-03-08T00:26:00.002+08:00

I have decided whom I want to place my trust in. Have you?

I'm all for change. I hope you are too.

Whatever it is, vote wisely my friends. The future of the country is in your hands.

The Gypsy Lady (with the Black Heart)

2008-02-26T14:58:00.004+08:00

Have you heard of that dark skinned lady who always had kohl-lined eyes, a single white orchid in her hair and a wore large golden loop earrings? The lady whose eyes could tell you a million stories? Stories that would make you forget yourself? The lady who wore many metal bangles, and danced only in the dark of the night?

She told me all those beautiful stories. The, she spat at me. She mocked my happiness. She said, "You're wasting your life being so fucking content like this."

And I wondered if it really could be so.

And so, I gave in to her taunts and thought that for a moment, just one moment in time, I will take of this mask. I will let it slip

And look where it got me. It might be the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. And it looks as if I'll lose him because of it.

Why do I keep succumbing to this darkness?

It's gettin' dark in here

2008-02-14T18:07:00.003+08:00

The darkness. It never completely goes away does it? It sits in the corner and it goads you.
"Turn in my direction," it seems to beckon. "Embrace me mommy, I am scared," it says in its child voice.

I wish it would go away. But as the days pass, the clarity I've felt in my mind all these days is gone. In its place are the kind of murky waters that one should fear and never ever tread into.

2008-02-05T17:08:00.000+08:00

Something in me seems to have died.

To believe or not to believe?

2008-01-24T00:45:00.000+08:00

I was in a temple - a small simple one, nothing elaborate. There was a priest chanting mantras and offering prayers to God. There was also a man who praying. The priest came up to him to offer him the flame, as is usually done at the end of the archanai (the prayer offering) and I saw that the man was Lord Shiva himself. The priest did not recognise him as such, he recognised him as the man I earlier saw. Only through my eyes, I was seeing him as Lord Shiva.

This was a dream I had some days ago.

And then in a phone conversation with my mom, she told me something concerning the picture of Lord Shiva which she places at her altar. This was even before I told her about the dream. That's two incidences of Lord Shiva related symbols.

Today at the Thaipusam prayers at Batu Caves, we were present at the place where one undergoes the rites before carrying a kavadi. I was observing my husband's family friend undertake the rites and I was most attracted - in a very spiritual manner to this man. Incidentally, he bears the name of Lord Shiva as well. I haven't been able to get the whole experience out of my mind. The seductive sound of the drumbeats, the shrill sound of men getting into trance, images of the piercing process, the looks on the faces of these men - they play over and over again in my mind.

I have never before been this fascinated by the experience, having always felt some kind of apprehension to be close to these people in the past. Today, I stood right there, chanting "Vel, vel' because I wanted him to get into a trance. I wanted to see him in his spiritual state. Maybe I wanted to see Lord Shiva again. I think I got a glimpse.

I came back home today feeling most refreshed - spiritually, as if something in me has been born again. I think I have never been this awake - in the metaphorical and literal sense of the word for quite a long time.

Shiva is the avatar for Destruction in Hinduism. I am told so is Goddess Kali, who is said to be the destroyer of ego. She appeared in my dream some months before I got married and I figured that perhaps it meant that it signified how I had to stop being selfish and accept that my fate was in giving up my ego to accept and honour the spiritual (and legal of course) union.

I'm not entirely sure as to what is happening to me but if life really is about looking out for symbols which speak to you, I'm quite convinced that there is a message behind all this.

My mom thinks that it probably means that I am about to go on a pilgrimage to India (because many people believe that if you were to put your faith in Lord Shiva, he will eventually take you there) and there is nothing I would like more than that, really.

She has another theory - quite a skewed one if you ask me. She thinks maybe it's the destruction of my comfort zone as a non-parent i.e. that maybe the time is nearing...

and then I ask myself...am I really that much of a fool to believe in signs...to believe that the Great Consciousness of the universe is reaching out and trying to tell me something?

Howdy strangers!

2008-01-17T14:08:00.000+08:00

Whoa...look at all the cobwebs that seem to have grown here in my absence! :-) *dusts cobwebs* It's been quite awhile hasn't it?

Funny, how I seem to have grown out of my penchant for blogging. But sometimes I wonder if it's just that this blog that has come to the end of its time. It served me well in the times of need as an emotional and artistic outlet. You know those darker times, when I fell back on writing as the strength to keep me going.

And now I am at this point in my life.

I think I'm moving up the ladder career wise. B-Pig has been moved to another department and my department is managerless at present. Slowly, I am taking on his tasks, together with another colleague. The intention of my organisation isn't very clear as yet, but perhaps there are opportunities in store... I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Apart from that I am all done with studying... some days back I received the results on my graduate case study bringing this whole episode to a sort of close for now. I received some very encouraging words from my supervisor who felt that I displayed high levels of scholastic capability thus calling me to continue this journey in academia. I'm somewhat chuffed at that because it is in line with my aspirations but for now, my work has become most interesting and I will stay for at least awhile until I achieve something really solid - a success that is visible to everyone. I want to make something of myself in this industry before making the jump into academia.

Apart from that it has been the usual. I have been catching up on the domestic front, having abandoned quite a lot of it in the last few months of my study. Thank God for an understanding G-Man who took it upon himself to see to the things which I could not. I know that part of this success is also due to his support and commitment to our relationship. 2 years on, and I know I married the right man! :-) Let's just hope he doesn't go and burst this bubble I've created about him and don't u ever tell him that I said all these things... Might get to his head!

These days I seem to have much more time than I used to in the last 2 years. That would mean that there is a lot of catching up to do with friends (yeah...you girls) and family.

There are also quite a number of things to sort out and that includes thinking about getting mom to move up here with us. I'm a bit stumped as to how to create an environment which will be ideal for all of us at this point but I always knew the day will come when I will have to bring my mom to live with utme. The G-Man seems supportive at present but I have my doubts as to whether he will really be able to adjust to her and she, to him. Oh well, eventually I guess they will have to. Thing is, she isn't happy where she is now and I guess it'll be my job now to make sure that she's alright. Talk about the reversal of roles eh?

It's a bit saddening innit, when you parents start getting older and you start noticing the differences... the way in need you sometimes need to take charge for them and make decisions and stuff.

Oh yeah, back to my doubts about G-Man and my mom getting along. The fear really is this: the G-Man was raised in a very different environment where his family has been very open-minded and hardly mind into the affairs of their young so long as they are doing okay. My mom though can be quite difficult in the sense that she is very old-school. I think she is coming to terms with the fact that old-school does not work so well anymore, especially now that I have lived on my own for close to 13 years and I am my own person but I fear that it is sometimes quite a bitter pill for her. She doesn't voice it out to me, but I can read her. I think any daughter will be able to identify with that feeling, no?

Besides... I absolutely fear the day the G-Man's mom comes to live with us coz man, she's learnt very well in these last two years how to rub me the wrong way. Sometimes I wonder if it's me who's being ultra-sensitive at the things she says but then again the people around me tell me that my mother-in-law has always been very wreckless with her words - to everyone. So I guess I take consolation in the fact that at least it isn't personal. heheh!

It's been quite an adventure getting adjusted to the ways of his family - they are most vocal, blunt and hardly ever mince their words with each other but they have been kind to us in many ways and for that, I guess I have to say that they are really very nice people (but I probably wouldn't wanna live under the same roof as them - and I also detect the delicate undertones that the feeling might even be mutual ;-P).

I mean, I have tried to become one of them, and to a certain extent, I guess I am but I will always be the G-Man's wife to them, if you know what I mean...not a daughter or a niece or anything like that unlike what the G-Man has become to my family. He is, if you all do not already know, even more popular than me these days amongst members of my family. See, those are the perks of marrying a wife who's in PR. :P

Okay... I guess I better stop, lest I ramble on too much about my mundane life. To those whom I haven't wished, Happy New Year to you. Hopefully I'll blog here again sometime this year...

Teary-eyed but Hopeful

2007-11-25T22:14:00.001+08:00

Based on local media reports as of today, Indians have been labeled fence-sitters. Yes, one media report mentioned that the rally was a result of the opposition's tactic to garner support from fence-sitters because BN supporters were seen as too hard to win over. Bloody bollocks I'll say!

And then there's this other thing: Apparently 6 policemen were injured. You push a man against a wall, you hold a knife to his neck and expect him to be completely rational? C'mon lah!

This is not our culture, you say?

I saw it in their faces today... the people who were shot with tear gas and sprayed with chemicals. It made me, a person sitting miles away from the tear gas, shed tears - the monsterlike personality that my government suddenly took on because a group of people wanted to peacefully gather to submit a petition which they felt might get them a better future and there was no other way to do it. That brutality is not our culture.

Another news report said that public property was vandalised. If no tear gas had been sprayed, no panic would have ensued and public order need not have been shattered to smithereens.

Had they been given a permit, it would have been a much more peaceful, more orderly.

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a elderly gentleman of royal lineage whom I have very high regards for some months ago. He said that Malaysians can never be like the Thais or Burmese in their fight for a better future because they've never known true hunger, true oppression.

With all due respect sir, I agreed with you then because I have never known true hunger, although opression I have had mild brushes with several times - something which I have taken to be norm for being born an Indian in this country.

But I think we saw that hunger and opression speak today. And I believe that there is much more where that came from although I do hope that no more of it needs to be unleashed for them to get the equality that they deserve.

This is Malaysia, and we are Malaysians. I don't think any of us want to jeopardise the peace we have enjoyed all these years. I don't think any of us want to threaten the multiracial harmony we have cultivated over time.

I love my Malay, Chinese and dan lain lain friends the same as I love my Indian friends. I acknowledge my Malay, Chinese, Korean and Mat Salleh neighbours the same way I acknowledge my Indian neighbours.

That is because I believe that God made us all equal.

So give us equality. You know the time has come.

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.*

2007-11-24T12:36:00.000+08:00

I may not be in agreement with this rally in the way it tends to seem exclusively Indian-Malaysian but I can now appreciate the causes they, sorry it should read, we are fighting for.

I don't support it because Hindraf represent the Indians only, I believe in Bangsa Malaysia. I believe that there are others of other races who have been equally marginalised but deep down inside, I know that Hindraf's actions is another subset of the people's fight for truth, justice, and equality.

I am angry that they are not being allowed to have a peaceful demonstration. I am angry that the police refuses to give them a permit to do this.

The role of the police is to ensure that nothing untoward happens during the peaceful rally, not refuse to grant a permit for it, brand it an illegal gathering and ask people to stay away from it. Not set up road blocks to create massive traffic jams in city so that business owners and those stuck in traffic jams will be incensed.

Are we really that stupid to not know that this is just an effort to create fodder for your spin-doctors? Are we supposed to sympathise with business owners who will claim how much money they lost because no one came into town that day due to the road blocks.

Hey, what about smart business owners, and KLites who will be cursing the government for the disproportionate actions taken against people who are seeking a public forum because there is no other way to air their grievance?

I am getting fed-up with this shit.

* from V in V for Vendetta

Delicate Issues

2007-11-17T09:14:00.000+08:00

The amount of spin being employed in the local media about last Saturday's incident sickens me to the core. If I had no access to the Internet, I would gullibly be believing the kinda shit being spun for public consumption.

It saddens me that a majority of people in the country would be buying this crap.

It so happened that Al-Jazeera broke the news, and we knew which channel to watch. We were actually planning to join the march but didn't get to do so because we was stuck in my hometown for Diwali, we knew that the local news wouldn't even so much as dedicate a small column at the end of the news to talk about it. That's why we tuned into Al Jazeera... I love the way they broke the story... "this is democracy, malaysia style".

My mom and aunty were a bit worried that I have informed a number of my younger cousins about the need to fight for a change in the system ourselves rather than expect someone else to do it but I am glad that they agree with me on this one. Ask not what the nation can do for you, but what you can do for it, I say.

I also managed to educate all of them about what spin is, and how they will see our government ever so smoothly deploy spin although the response time to roll out the lies left much to be desired. By then, I suspect Al Jazeera (and Zam subsequently) had done enough damage - or at least it had reached out to the thinking crowd.

Now I hear the Malaysian-Indians are planning an assembly in front of the British High Commission. I've been asked time and again if I would be going, seeing as how I have this very activist like streak in me.

My answer has been no.

It clashes with my principles because I believe this action propogates further racial polarisation in the country and the fact that I believe we should fight our own wars rather than drag the British in.

Furthermore, I cannot relate to the reason for the class action - the British having brought Indians here as indentured labourers and then left the country to the Malaysia without putting necessary safeguards in place to protect the minorities.

Okay, the the effects of the Britishs colonial rule are subject to debate for the kinda havoc they wreaked across the globe. They messed up so many things, created an unnecessary burdensome class system (at least among the Indians), diluted cultures, yadda yadda yada but they also brought with them opportunities like education, better health policies and all that. My biggest grouse with the British has to be the mindset they created oday, that have given many factions the notion that the British are saviours. Today, I think the British themselves need saving but that's another discussion for another day.

I am just utterly flummoxed at this proposed Indian gathering. I wonder if Hindraf knows what it is in for. Many Indians - especially those who are marginalised by the present system are highly emotional people who will not hesitate to lose limbs in a fight. Many of those who will be attending this gathering, I understand come from these factions of society.

I don't know if they even know what the puspose of the gathering is. The sms inviting people to the gathering is ambigous at best - it calls people to gather because the British need 100,000 Indians to be present in order to act. Act on what?

Hindraf might know but how are they planning on educating the masses on the real cause of the gathering given the fact that the local media will never ever carry this news item? I can't even find a website on Hindraf?

What are we to expect from this gathering? Affirmative action policies for Indians as minorities?

I am more interested in pursuing an agenda for a corruption-free, tranparent and meritocracy based government. I am not interested in special rights. Special rights tend to breed non-productivity and strip people of their will to be independent. It breeds complacence and can be abused severely to result in marginalised sections of society.

But most importantly, has Hindraf thought out all the repercussions of this act? 100,000 or let's not go that far, 50 Indians who've been provoked by sentiments relating to their marginalised status are dangerous enough.

Whatever it is, I do hope that it will be nothing but a peaceful gathering, and I do hope that Hindraf knows what it is doing. The people participating in this assembly should be told what to expect to avoid dissappointments and any undesirable consequences arising out of that.

I am still interested to know what the gathering is about..so if any of you have an idea..please let me know.

The madness hath descended

2007-10-12T23:19:00.001+08:00

Silence
what is this silence?

roaring, deafening

upon impact

who is this silence?

i never knew him before this

does he come with newfound wisdom?

does he come after the pain?

or is he a precursor to something larger,
something mind-numbing,
like death on a rainy night
when i'm all by my lonesome self

---------

....and she descends further

madness does...

---------

Fuckweather

why is the black of the night

so unalluring

and the romance of rain

unwelcome

the thunder lightning grey skies

not perfect fuckweather,

no more

why have nicotine and alcohol

become so vile to my senses

am i not gonna make my art,

anymore?

Ariel Ravenstorm, 13 October 2007

I love you. Please love me.

2007-10-12T14:46:00.000+08:00

I received that sms recently.

The others were "Do you sleping?", "Do you working finished?" and "I love you."

I thought it was a wrong number until he called up and I answered and he said he wants to be my 'kawan'. I told him he got the wrong number. He said its correct. "Kawan bagi," he said.

Oh btw, my stalker is a Burmese guy who can't even speak Malay properly. And I suspect, he was the one who bought my laptop which got stolen some weeks ago.

Of hurting brains, iron grilles and flexibility

2007-09-27T09:47:00.000+08:00

All the planets seem aligned and the weather is superb. I think today is a good day to blog. Except that my brain hurts.

Whaddya mean there's no such thing as a feeling pain in your brain...I FEEL PAIN IN MINE!

Since June, I have been writing and writing and writing (stuff like speeches, articles, *Editor's Notes*, reports, media releases, academic essays), editing and proofreading other people's work all the time that my brain hurts.

It hurts when I get home from work. It hurts when I am falling asleep. It hurts when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes it stays with me all day, like it is doing right now.

Which is why I need the *sinflex* which I have now run out of.

When I tell the G-Man to shut up coz my brain hurts, he says that my work cannot possibly be that much of a strain compared to his which is a hands-on, technical job. He obviously has no idea how much it takes to write stuff. It's not really that easy, you know?

I guess all that serious writing is also why I have stopped writing stuff here. There's just no time to let my mind wander and come up with the crap that I usually do.

That is not to say that I haven't had the usual flashes of dementia and suicidal thoughts. I always weigh the options and then decide that it is not time yet, I have not fulfilled my life's mission. I guess that means I'm still in control of my senses. Hah!

Oh yeah, if they say that an idle mind is the devil's workshop, I'd say that an overly occupied mind is when the devil does his test drives and crash tests, eh? The devil's always in there isn't he?

I also feel so incredibly tired. Especially in the past one week since the thieves broke into our unit and stole my laptop. Haven't even been able to sleep peacefully for fear that they may come back. Today, we are getting An Ting to come and install iron grills at our laundry yard and the room at the back so the next time you walk past my unit, it'll feel like you're walking in a zoo. Promise me you'll wave.

Cousin Shane is here from the UK and catching up on the last 18 or so years that we've missed out on each other's lives has been the greatest thing. I realise that we are both very alike in our approach towards life.

However, he is quite flummoxed (gawd, I am impressed at myself for using that word) at the way things are here...especially in the sense that we are so afraid to be the real us in front of our elders. I used to be flummoxed too, dahling and then I just gave in and became a hypocrite whenever I am with them. It's less tedious and I'm just tired of fighting the current, y'know?

I want to be different but I don't want to rock the boat and make others fall against their wills...so when I'm on my own I live my life on my terms. When I'm within a particular social circle, I live it based on the terms that are accepted by the majority. They have a word for it - and no it's not called being a 'lalang' it's called being flexible. It's become a pre-requisite they say, in dealing with globalisation and fenomena-fenomena yg sama jenis dengannya.

I think I will stop for now. This entry is headed nowhere... and there's tonnes of other things to do and another darned speech to write.

Turrah, luvlies.

Tanggal tiga puluh satu, bulan lapan, lima puluh tujuh

2007-08-30T19:43:00.000+08:00

It wouldn't be right for me not to say anything on the eve of our 50th Merdeka. And so, these are my words:

I wish it wasn't so rah-rah, so loud. It should have been an intimate celebration, one with her own people more than the many foreigners who've been invited to witness Malaysia turn 50.

It has become so commercialised. I wish the flags were given out for free rather than to have us pay for them... why, if they start selling Merdeka juice and I won't be surprised.

I wish that people would fly the flag because of the patriotism and not because they wanted to win some stupid contest. This is the epitome of the capitalism we have embraced. We have sold our souls.

I wish it was under better circumstances, when many Malaysians including me were not feeling so disillusioned and dejected.

I wish that our voices would be heard, rather than to have them supressed, dismissed as white noise in the background.

As you can see, I wish for many things, actually.

But most of all, I wish that Bangsa Malaysia is a reality rather than a rhetorical suggestion to win our confidence and votes. I wish there was no such thing as Malay, Chinese, Indian or dan lain lain because they all call themselves Malaysians.

I wish for meritocracy. I wish for equal opportunity. I wish for integrity in our people.

I wish for progress.

I know that Malaysia is only 50 and there is a long journey ahead for her yet. I wish that someday, the things I wish for would be reality...

Someday...u know?

But for having been my homeland, the tanah tumpah darahku for all my life, it wouldn't be right if I never said thank you. It wouldn't be right if I never admitted that I truly love you. And it wouldn't be right if I didn't say

Happy 50th Birthday, Malaysia!

I'm sorry I will not be around in the country to celebrate it with you but my familial duty beckons and so I go. But remember, wherever I go I will carry you always within my heart.

Self-discovery and all that jazz

2007-08-20T23:29:00.000+08:00

Somebody told me that academic pursuits, when done at the right time in your life might lead to self-discovery. Although my attempts at an undergraduate degree only led me to lots of booze, other intoxicating stuff, parties and orgies (okay, I'm kidding about the last one) but this time, it has been different.

While my foray into it was purely impulsive - the major intention being to equip myself with a piece of paper that will admit me into the exclusive club of high-flyers and fat pay-cheque earners - I am totally surprised by the outcome. I've had my views and perspectives challenged so much that in the end it was just there - the bright light. Is this what Rushdie was talking about (in Satanic Verses) when he assigned the line "To be reborn, first you have to die" to Gibreel Farishta? Maybe I experienced an epiphany or something.

But it wasn't the same as when I decided to abandon my IT studies and plunge head on into journalism. That was a gut feeling. I mean, I knew there was something bigger waiting for me there. And then, I left journalism to pursue a career in corporate communications with no feelings whatsoever - lured by the monetary rewards.

The part I liked most about journalism was the bit where you learn to be analytical. With corporate communications, I learnt about strategy. And if how if you take a step back, you'll start discovering cultures and subcultures and all that interesting stuff.

I loved the idea of managing perceptions and expectations. However, I didn't take to easily to the operational aspects of it because I'm not a very organised person. Structure and I make bad bedfellows. Chaos somehow appeals more to me. Which probably also explains a lot of what I have done in life, really...

Close to 10 years of working in the corporate sector and I feel no affinity to it. Being at the top of the corporate ladder seems to have lost its allure. Too much lies out there... too much spin. I don't need to be another one to contribute to it.

I want to be able to make a difference. I want to do something I know I can be passionate about. Politics is out of the question since I am uhmm, just not made for that kinda thing.

So yeah, I've been thinking... I would like to give academia a go. I have to admit that I am to a large extent, an idealist. And academia gives you the room to be honest. It gives you a chance at critical discourse and you're allowed to air your views in the public sphere... I do realise that this is Malaysia and there'll probably exist many clauses that will restrict me in exercising critical opinions and views but what the heck...it'll be interesting to protest against these things with the hope that things will get better someday.

Another thing I'd love to be able to is to help reform the education system of Malaysia which we all know is not in line with global standards or even local market needs! I think my area of research interest might be able to contribute to that area.

I'd still like to dabble in industry work a bit - maybe do some consulting to be in the thick of things but yeah, academia, look out Spider Pig is about to crash!

I've been quite fascinated with postmodernity and I want to be a scholar of this school of thought. I want to contribute to theory building in this area and I want to share this enthusiasm with others.

I'm giving myself a 10 year-plan to achieve this. It gives me time to work on maybe a post graduate diploma or hopefully, a PhD so that I am more equipped to teach people.

At this stage this still remains a dream... because, although I have done fairly well so far, I still have my thesis to submit so I need to get past that hurdle. Also, both the G-Man and I think its time that we started trying for a baby... but I hope to get there somehow before I am 40.

I must add that this hitting the books again thing was the best decision I ever made in my life and it yanked me out of depression too, mommy, it did.

2007-08-01T14:44:00.000+08:00

"...writing makes me a small god: I re-create the flux and smash of the world through the small ordered word patterns I make. I have powerful intellectual and emotional forces which must have outlets, creative, or they turn to destruction and waste (e.g. drinking with Hamish and making indescriminate love)"

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

And now, there is no outlet. No destruction and waste, even.

So where does that leave me?

Visitor at Dawn - The Chicken Demon Cometh

2007-07-11T15:04:00.001+08:00

Yes people, tootsum is suffering an attack of the supernatural type - a Chicken Demon (CD). This was confirmed by her family's shaman-consultant dude who astrally projected himself from her kampung up north to carry out surveillance at her humble and haunted abode.

(I think astral projection is way cool!)

While he seeked and destroyed other malevolent entities living inside her house (astrally, mind!), the CD it would seem, is virtually untouchable as he lives in no man's land i.e. the corridor leading to tootsum's apartment. That, we believe is his own piece of land.

We attempted to profile CD:-

1. We are told that he looks like a chicken but has tusks and a man-body.
2. Leen thinks he is a chain-smoker and pervert who likes to peep into windows to see what people are up to and is majorly irked by tootsum's sexual escapades which take place nightly, in her room.
3. Leen also thinks he is Balinese in origin.
4.Shai thinks that he is a fowl because Tootseum's place is located in a place that used to be a forest.

I just think the demon is confused. I mean... can't he decide whether or not he wants to be a chicken, an elephant or a man?

On a seperate note, I believe that an incubus paid me a visit early this morn. I don't know yet if its Mister CD who took offense to our jokes about him last night and decided to come and ravage me.

But whoever it is, I must say "Whoa! dude..you've seriously got some skills. Come on over tonight as well."

Past and Present

2007-07-07T10:38:00.000+08:00

My past is in town and it wants to meet up with me.

But destiny is adamant that we don't meet. All the elements have conspired to ensure that my past and I never look each other in the eye because doing so might break my resolve. For my past is a master manipulator... and I get weak when faced with those kinds.

I don't think I need to test myself to see if I am stronger now. Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Why court disaster, aye?

I think I'll just stay home and honour the present.

How I spent my 'alone' time this week

2007-06-30T09:51:00.000+08:00

Saturday mornings are glorious. I rarely go out on Saturday mornings because this is the only 'alone' time I get.

I spend my 'alone' time making breakfast for myself. Usually its two slices of wholemeal bread with butter and jam /kaya or Goober Grape peanut butter and 1/2 a mug of Bru coffee. 1/2 a mug coz I like it with condensed milk if it's not fresh milk like what you get at Indian restos.

After which I'd sit down for a solitary smoke. Looking out into the forest outside my balcony.

I'd like to say that there's a cacophony of forest sounds in the background, but usually it's the sounds of construction going on opposite, the water flowing from the mini fountain in the kids pool downstairs and Ramu doing the washing.

I tend to the plants for a bit. Sometimes, I clean out the fridge. And if I am planning to cook, I'd get everything prepared. Like today, since we're going to watch the Transformers later in the afternoon, we've decided to have lunch somewhere outside so there's no need to cook.

I particularly value my 'alone' time coz I can let my mind roam aimlessly and not worry about justifying my blank stare to anyone else.

Today, I let my mind look back into the past. The various stages of life I went through.

There was the rebel stage when I went all out to hate my family and do everything they didn't want me to do. That was when I figured that I was gonna be different from everyone else in my family, walk down the more challenging paths and end up saying that I did it my way.

There was the obsession with all things dark stage. The obsession with vampires, and blood. Self-mutilation. Black nail polish. Dark lipstick.

There was the free-spirit stage. The dawn of the no-strings attached, I don't need a man to survive stage.

There was the MIClub stage. I still cannot fathom what was it that drove me to associate myself with a bunch of people who could never see the bigger picture.

There was the Billy-Bob stage. Being so madly and pointlessly in love with someone I knew was never right for me (what did they say about never ignoring your gut instincts, girls?)

Then there was the depressive stage, of which some of you would probably have witnessed. It took planning a wedding, dealing with the challenges of married life, the birth of this blog, the death of another blog, the pursuit of a Masters degree and the crazed support of the Cacklers to bring me out of that one.

And now, nothing. Apart from the usual troubles that someone my age might have - my career, making ends meet, my health etc... there's really nothing else that bugs me all that much. There's nothing or no one to be obsessed about. There's no need to be creative and poetic.

I'm just...here, like this. Doing what I need to do to get by, to make life work.

Does this happen to everyone eventually? Is this what they call growing up?

Next year, I will be hitting the big three-oh. And that's quite a daunting thought, innit?

Unemployed

2007-06-11T15:05:00.000+08:00

I finally cracked, folks.

Presently trying my hand at being a homemaker instead.

2007-05-24T14:07:00.001+08:00

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!

Will I emerge stronger?

2007-05-19T09:53:00.000+08:00

I have been for sometime now struggling on the job. It's only been a week and all I feel like quite a failure. Or maybe I am being made to feel like one. I was at one point asked by one of the others if I had regreted the crossover. I am not quite sure what kind of point that was supposed too drive home. Am I supposed to regret it?

The G-man is of the opinion that such a question was totally unnecessary and incredibly juvenile.

However, I am telling myself that to mull over such nonsense is also childish but it won't leave my mind that easily. It sits there and stares back at me, like a bright red splotch of paint (you expected blood, didn't you?).

Ohh, this culture will take some getting used to. And I suppose, nobody's friendship is going to be earned that easily.

Thank God, though for an extremely understanding Big Boss. I just wish she'd take me under her wing. I've heard so much about her leadership from her proteges and she's left them all in awe.

Oh well, what don't kill you only makes you stronger, I guess.

Where have all the cowboys gone?

2007-05-16T16:04:00.000+08:00

oh.MY.GOD.

i.need.to.BREATHE!!!!!!!

Like fer real.

Been working weekends, been working late nights, at home.

It looks like my colleagues work all day and all night, judging from the time of e-mails sent. Tough act to follow.

Not quite sure if I can race with the horses when I'm just a measly old cow.

Sometimes Love

2007-05-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

it's hour twenty three
of today and
i just realised
that you are not the man i once used to know
you are not the man who once made me scream enranged
bloody murder
when you drew lotsa lotsa blood, you fucking maggot.

but no matter, you're forgiven
you're loved, you're shiny and pretty and everything i want once again
i'll worship you even
when the planets are aligned
and the stars are bright
when the hoop-earring, twenty bangle-wearing
gypsy girl with a bandana that lives inside me
comes alive, and dances in the courtyard
to the music you make inside my head
precisely at midnight.
come tonight. at midnight.

take me to new orleans with you, abhi.
don't break my heart like this. i don't fucking deserve it.
you can't just love me only sometimes.

So far, so good lah

2007-05-04T13:39:00.000+08:00

I'm settling in. Figuring my way around an ibook for now. :-) The G-Man is seething with jealousy...lol

Already got the list of clients I'll be handling.

It's quite fun actually. Yeah I know, first days are always quite fun coz all u do is is sit around waiting for ppl to get things like your e-mail and stuff ready, right?

I miss my friends at my old place and we've been e-mailing each other quite frenziedly. One of them claimed to have called my extension hoping to get some advice on something she was writing. Someone else answered... she says she's suffering Ariel withdrawal symptoms. Haha.

As for my first day being a Friday, I didn't plan for it to be that way but it's kinda cool yeah? Mondays are never the best of days to start work. And then you have to wait for 5 days to pass before its the weekend.

Leaving Trails

2007-05-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

That's what the card that my closest colleagues (the ones who become your friends) gave me on my last day of work read. I was slightly touched by it and the various msges it contained. Most of it made me feel really sad for leaving.

Now, I don't know if I can replicate the same kinda success at the new place. Feeling kinda low in the energy and motivation departments. Feeling kinda unsure as well... if this is in fact a move in the right direction.

Am I cut out for this job? Will I be able to leave a trail that I can be proud of?

But I also remember feeling this way when I left EnEsTee to come to the place I just left too. It's normal isn't it? This separation anxiety of sorts?

Wish me luck, folks... I start on Friday.

Have You Seen Abhi?

2007-05-02T20:23:00.000+08:00

Is this what it feels like to finally submit and go with the flow?
Uninspired, numb, trivial and allergic to life.

being mortal is no fun. and the worst part of it is, as a mortal you suffer allergies. i hate allergies. they're horrible. they make you feel less than human when your entire body gets all itchy and you need to scratch like you want your skin to come off. worse still when you don't know what the fuck's causing the allergy and it always happens when you get to places where there's air-conditioning turned on and you suspect that you could be allergic to *GASP* air-conditioning. hel-lo...this is Malaysia lah...every premise has a unit (except mine because i live next to a hill and it's naturally cool so why waste energy, right?) ... i don't know if this means i have to stop going out. i am going thru the pros and cons as i type this.

Moving on...

i miss abhi, i do. have you seen him?
in case you're wondering, abhi is the cause of my depression and he is my MUSE. he disappeared mysteriously some months ago. i need to find him again.

It beckons again

2007-04-29T09:50:00.001+08:00

'Nattu.vetty chayam ondu, eh nammede Anunde mughatile?' Subhash Pappen said yesterday when he saw me. Subhash Pappen is my father's cousin from Kerala who was visiting us with Rajaram Pappen. I went to meet them on Saturday evening.

I believe I am meeting Subhash for the first time in my life. What Subhash had said in Malayalam earlier is that I look like a Natu.vetty, which is the name of the family and house which I belong to. "Mind you, you are the only true Nattu.vetty descendent in the family," Aunt Ritha added.

That's because I am the child of my grandparents only son. The rest are all daughters. The sons usually bear the family name. But then again, I am a daughter too? And to carry that name with mine might mean having to change my IC as well since my Amma hadn't registered it as part of my name when I was born (Acha was as some of you know, not alive to ensure that the name went along with mine).

Anyways... Rajen Pappen told me that I absolutely have to go and see my Achachan (grandfather's)'s taravadu at least once in my life. It's still totally intact! However, apparently the land has been divided and some of my uncles have built newer, nicer houses and I was told that we'll be staying at those.

"Narey pappamaru ondu avede, onnum pedikkinda etto avede varan..." he said in jest. (You have lotsa uncles there and so you don't need to be afraid to come. "Pedi onnum illiya pappen, it's just that the right time hasn't come," I said. Why would I be afraid, right?

And he always teases me of the time when he first came down (I've met Rajen Pappen before) when I was a wee lass and he asked me in Malayalam if I could speak the language and I shyly went "Korechi, korechi, samsaarikka" which translates into English as "I can speak a little of it". And now, he calles me the 'Korechi, korechi samsaarikka madam.' lol But he did say that he is surprised I can still speak Mal these days. He expected us all to have morphed into English speaking posers!

And he made sure he took pictures of me and the G-man to take back home and show everyone. That was so sweet!

Anyways, I once wrote about my yearning to go find my roots in Kerala right? Yesterday's meeting has kinda exacerbated it.

Dear God I WANT TO so very much!!!!! I hope it happens at the end of this year.

17th Mile - The Hi.lir. Pe.rak. X-Files

2007-04-26T11:52:00.000+08:00

I must have been about 9 years old at the time. My cousins and I were back in our grandparents old bungalow at the 17th mile as was customary for us to do during the final term school holidays.

Mon & Trey were there. Sai was there. So was Gil, who was just a toddler then. I think Pre was a newborn at the time. Since we were fresh out of havoc to wreak, we decided to pester Aunt Ritha to take us to the clearing in the plantation at the back of our house so we could set up 'camp'. Camp consisted of some old blue tarp tied to some sticks. We would build a fire and cook maggi mee, we imagined.

My mom was off at work, so I had no parent to convince. The rest coaxed and cajoled their parents and I went and saw Achachan (grandfather), who would definitely grant us the permission coz we were his favourite people in the house. lol. After much pestering, Aunt Ritha said we'll do it in the afternoon, after she had helped Achamma (grandmother) prepare lunch for people in the house. There would be no lunch for us because ours was gonna be out at camp.

We got busy preparing for our little trip. Got Aunt Sagu to drive us the Indian Uncle's shop (I never found out his name) to buy ourselves loads of Mamee and Twisties and crap like that. Got our card games, board games, filled our water tumblers up with juice - Ribena, I think. Aunt Ritha even managed to make some sandwiches, and she brought along some of the butter cake she had baked the previous evening. Sajeevan, the extremely quiet brother of Ram Chand's who was living with my grandparents back then coz it was nearer for him to go to school, ccompanied us to help set up camp. Ram Chand was like on of our childhood heroes coz he too was living with my grandparents when he went to school. They are distant relatives of ours whom my grandparents used to help out. Ram Chand was the coolest coz he would let us sit up in the balcony where he used to study ay night and tell us ghost stories. He always came home with stuff for us and on occasions he would join us when we were playing. Anyways, by this time, Ram Chand had left to go work in JB so, Saj was engaged for the task.

Anyways, back to the story. We went out back, trekked slightly into the cocoa plantation till we got to the clearing. Sajeevan and Aunt Ritha pitched the tent for us while we got busy hunting for twigs and stuff to build a fire. And when it was done we sat under the tent, and got to eating. I guess we started playing Scrabble or something when all of a sudden Trey, then 6 started acting a little weird. The the screaming started. He started crying and screaming at the same time. Fellow refused to stop. We had to take him back to the house. Just as we were getting back to the house, I saw a big black dog running through the forest. I pointed it out to Aunt Ritha and my cousins, but none of them could see it. Damn thing was clear as day, running smack in front of us and everyone claimed there was nothing to see.

Trey was in a bit of trance. He wouldn't stop crying. And this was a 6 year old who could most certainly tell us what in earth got his panties panties in a knot. Sometime after my Grandmother said some prayers and put holy ash on his forehead, he calmed down but he refused to talk. This commotion was happening in the kitchen of the house and I was standing right next to the window. I saw the black dog again and pointed it out to everyone who was there. The kids kept saying they couldn't see it. My aunts told me to stop looking out the window. My grandmother put some holy ash on all our foreheads.

That same day, Trey and I developed a high fever and were down for about 3-4 days.

To this day, I've asked Trey if he knew what he saw and he says he can't for the life of him remember those few moments. He does not remember the racket he caused. And he sure as hell can't remember if he saw a big black dog or anything else.

Oh the bungalow at 17th mile.... it was like Supernatural Central in all of Hi.lir Pe.rak, I tell you. I'll tell you the story about how Trey & Sai saw someone who bore a striking resemblance to the guardian spirit Muniandy Samy one Friday evening in another entry.

Alone in Crowded Places

2007-04-23T16:59:00.000+08:00

Caution: Those who need things to make sense, please stop reading at this point.

Does it always have to make sense? Do we always have to attribute a reason to it?
Sometimes, there is none. It is the way it is because that, is how it is meant to be.
Sometimes, it's gotta be illogical in order for it to be magical.

And if you still need a reason for it, I'll tell ya this: Maybe it is written in those friggin stars up there, a'ight?

I've loved you for 10 years and I don't think I can ever stop. I don't think I know how to either.

How do I live without you?

2007-04-23T11:24:00.000+08:00

I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette. I want a cigarette.

I WANT A FUCKING CIGARETTE LAH WEI!

p/s: Don't be a smartass and ask me to just go get one. I am trying to quit. Aaaaaargghhh!!

17 April 2007

2007-04-18T14:23:00.000+08:00

SV told me that I should mark yesterday's date on the calendar.

I asked "What do I mark it as?"

"As the day i promised ya that i will indeed find out..." is what he said.

Much as I'd like to I can't give out any more details than this except that it makes me happy to hear him say this.

I don't know if it's silly to have such hope in one's heart. But that's what you are to me SV: you give me something to look forward to.

Paradise in Trouble

2007-04-17T16:57:00.000+08:00

I wrote this as one of my assignments. It wasn't good enough to score the best grade but I thought its one of my best articles. It was written from the heart, y'know.

Paradise in Trouble
By: Ariel

The environment is just like any other that you might find if you went to any public beach in Asia. Peddlers are busy selling an assortment of items ranging from food to sea-shell accessories. Makeshift shops dot the beach, run by women who come up to a potential customer to ask “Massage, madam? Braid your hair? Manicure/pedicure for you?”

They do not accept no for an answer. They follow us around, trying to get us to change our minds. Sometimes, they take the client’s hand and beg, “Please, madam, please!” This behaviour is commonplace on Kuta beach in Bali.

In Kintamani, which is another tourist destination in Bali, the same heckling ensues. Sending scarcely clad little children to sell things are a popular sales tactic in these places. The moment you step out of a vehicle, a group of peddlers rush over to sell their wares. They surround you, each trying to outdo the other to sell something. They push and they shove. They overwhelm you. One visitor to the highland district from Malaysia, AZ found that sort of behaviour really unnerving.

Of course it puts tourists off. And the Balinese are aware of this. Nyoman Swastika, a Balinese taxi driver says that some tourists even get angry. “But I don’t blame them. They come from rich nations where it is not difficult to find a job and there is always food on the table.”

What Swastika is trying to say is that hard times have hit paradise. In an island where tourism is the main income generator, tourist arrivals dropped drastically and business has declined.

The bomb blasts at Paddy’s and Sari Club in Kuta on 12th October 2002 shattered not only the lives of the victims and their loved ones, it cast a dark shadow over the livelihood of the Balinese who were highly dependent on tourism-gained income.

In 2003, the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP)’s Crisis Prevention and Recovery Programme in collaboration with the World Bank and the United States for International Development (USAID) produced a report titled ‘Bali: Beyond the Tragedy’ (BBT). It states that in its heyday of 2 million tourist arrivals in a year, more than 20 per cent of Bali’s population was directly dependent on income from tourism related activities. After the bombing however, the number of tourists dwindled very quickly.

The normally calm and composed Swastika gets upset when he speaks of the bombings. “Why did they do this to us? We are peace-loving people and our income comes from tourists. We would never hurt them but those terrorists came and wrecked our lives. And they did it a second time too. Now everybody is afraid to come to Bali!” he says.

Swastika’s will not mince his words. This is because although the fires from the bombs have been put out, the ‘heat’ lingers. With five people to feed, clothe and educate, he says that it is becoming more difficult to make ends meet. Some of his friends hold two or three jobs to support their families – that is if they can find jobs, otherwise some just end up heckling tourists to buy things from them,” he says with shrug.

In some families children have had to drop out from school in order to earn a living for the family. Indeed the report states that directly after the bombing in 2002 more than 30 per cent of schools have seen pupils drop out, presumably to help their families earn money or because paying school fees has become a problem.

A young waitress at a hotel in Bali is testament to this sad reality. “I could be studying to go to university but I have had to give up school to earn some money for the family,” she says. “We are the future generation of this place bu, but we have no future because we have to drop out.”
Bali could have been inching towards a slow recovery. But that was thwarted when the Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS) outbreak reared its ugly head, crippling for a short time the travel industry in Asia. Even business travelers were becoming wary at that time.

The BBT report also states that albeit having faced with downturns in tourist arrivals in the past, including the Gulf war of 1991, Bali, “has never before experienced a crisis of such magnitude and duration”.

Any further progress in Bali was further dampened by suicide bombings by terrorists which occurred on 1 October 2005 in Kuta and Jimbaran beach. Both establishments in which these bombers struck were often patronised by Westerners.

In spite of tightened security and new anti-terror laws implemented by Indonesia to combat terrorism, countries such as Australia and the United States warn their people against traveling to Bali. These websites urge travelers heading to all parts of Indonesia to evaluate the risks of travel to carefully because the threat of terrorist attacks targeted at Westerners still exist.

That does put a dent on recovery efforts says Bali’s Department of Culture and Tourism director-general of marketing, Thamrin Bhiwana Bachri in an article on a travel website TTG Asia. He feels that it is unfortunate that countries choose to advise their people against traveling to Bali. Many people are sensitive to such news and this might stop them from planning a holiday at the island.

But Bachri, in the same article says that Bali is on track towards recovery. It has stepped up promotional efforts in several target countries and the results have been favourable. In the article he says that arrivals to Bali started to recover as early as April 2006 and have continued increasing month by month since. “International tourist arrivals had reached an average of more than 4,000 per day, approaching the pre-bombing level of 5,000 arrivals per day,” he says in the article.

And although recovery efforts are already underway, there are still doubts as to whether Bali can return to her previous days of glory as the ultimate place for a hassle-free, relaxed holiday. Bachri, is also cognisant of the fact that even if the number of tourists may bounce back on track, it will take some time before the trade is profitable again.

This is because part of its promotional efforts consists of giving considerable discounts on accommodation and other fees in order to woo the tourists.

The Pacific Asia Travel Association (PATA) came up with a Bali Recovery programme which emphasizes ways in which to attract tourists back to Bali. There is recommendation for brand-building and investment into rebuilding tourist confidence in the region.

But perhaps the answer to the woes of Balinese is not really a massive resurrection of the travel industry, says the G-Man, a Malaysian who was in Bali last year.

He feels that that Balinese need to become much less dependent on tourism. Based on observation, he says, “They are really good at making handicraft items. Also, because it has such fertile land due to the volcanic soil, agriculture seems to be prevalent throughout the island. Maybe it is time they shifted their focus from tourism to these areas as the former can be rather unpredictable.”

Perhaps a change like that is what Bali needs. Instead of looking at how conducive the environment can be for tourists, perhaps what really needs to be done is to look into the needs of Bali’s own people – some of whom are fighting with each other to sell things to strangers. This tactic might put off the few tourists who actually want to come to Bali. Maybe it is about time that the government of Indonesia took the lead in helping the Balinese establish a foothold in these other areas.

And as much as Swastika speaks of the hardships he has had to endure in the last few years since the bombing, there is a sliver of hope in his voice. He wishes for better things to happen in the future. “This is why you see prettily decorated baskets made of banana leaf containing flowers, incense and food adorning literally every corner in Bali,” he says.

Those baskets are called canang. These canang contain offerings made to the various Hindu Gods to protect Balinese from calamities. Despite the poverty, Swastika says that would they never forsake their religious duties. To do so would mean to court disaster.

Perhaps these very Gods would hear the pleas and prayers of the Balinese and give them what they want – a new beginning, the G-Man says. They are looking for a guarantee that there will be meals to be had everyday and the ability to give one’s children a proper education.

But if no alternative can be found and these people have to continue resorting to aggressive sales techniques, can we really blame them?

“I think as tourists, we will be able to find it in our hearts to see past all that. Bali has seen some very tough days and the least we can do is to be tolerant to a society that is trying to adapt in a very difficult situation,” says GB, another Malaysian who visited Bali recently.

Karma Chameleon

2007-04-07T10:04:00.000+08:00

I have submitted the letter. There's been shock, there's been disappointment and there's been quite a bit of "But why?" questions that I have received. Some say that I have a great thing going for me here and I should not close myself to other options such as redeployment to other departments etc.

But that won't address the burn-out would it? I'm looking for a new challenge to immerse myself into to get over the sense of uselessness I have felt while being here.

But thankfully there has not been a direct counter-offer this time. There were hints but I decided to be a little dense and ignore those things.

But y'know wot? I'm really kinda sad to leave this job. I never thought that I'd feel this sad about abandoning some of the projects I have been working on. I have been sitting in some of the meetings - my last few, actually - and it's a terrible feeling to think of how you will no longer be a part of the project when it comes into fruition.

B-Pig's in a lurch because I am leaving at the worst of times. My peer is away maternity leave and we are working on 3 new projects in addition to the shit we do most of the time (in my case it is the magazine and other editorial work like speeches, press releases etc) and the department exec is totally not skilled in this area. With a department head and an exec who are unable to do editorial work...I believe they're gonna have some very tough times indeed. I do sincerely hope that they can find someone who can step into my shoes and take on all my responsibilities fairly soon. It's not gonna be easy - coz we were recently looking to hire an editorial exec and all those who turned up for the interview couldn't write for nuts - so, yeah I wish these folks luck.

I was feeling quite bad for leaving at such a critical time but then the G-man put things in perspective for me: "It's his karma, babe. You reap what you sow."

At the time of writing this, I have 8 Indons in my house. They are here to work on some of the defects that we had complained about. The G-man left about an hour ago and already, he has called me 3 times to check on me because he is so damned paranoid that all they are really here to do is rob us and probably rape me.

Sigh!! I know that Indons don't have very good reputations among Malaysians. Many people see them as people with very bad intentions. But not every Indon is a criminal. Just like not every Malaysian is a good person either. There are some bad apples, no doubt - no society is without it - but does it warrant the low class trash treatment?

Like these guys and girls working here right now... they won't make small talk with me. They won't even make eye contact with me coz they think that I see them in bad light. Well, coming from someone who's seen family and friends experience some really bad things at the hands of Indons, I must admit that there is always some amount of trepidation, initially. But, once I get the feel of how they are I'm quite okay with them. There's no need to be ridiculing them or making them feel small. I mean, they are human after all, right?

Besides you don't want karma to come and bite you in your backside when you decide to go work in another country.

Chapathi Conundrum

2007-03-28T20:45:00.000+08:00

I don't understand why is it that all these instant chapathi makers cannot quite get one thing right.

We make chapathi using 'atta' flour, right? That's what my mom uses. That's what my grandmother uses and that's probably what your mom and grandmother use to make it as well.

Now, if you aren't already aware of it by now, I am an absolute lazy bum who despite knowing full well how to make chapathi cannot be arsed to make it because 1) I don't particularly enjoy kneading flour and 2) I'm not very good friends with the rolling pin, have not really mastered its use (yes, I am aware that practice makes perfect) and therefore make chapathis that are more likely to turn out square rather than round (as chapathis ideally should be).

So what do lazy bums who in a bid to eat healthy and therefore aspire to have chapathi 3 times a week for dinner do? They buy those instant thingies you find at supermarkets. Despite.Reading.the.Label.Which.CLEARLY.States.that.They.Used.Wheat.Flour.NOT.Whole.Wheat.Mind.But.Just.Wheat.
which is processed wheat which is as good as eating white bread itself.

DAMMIT!

If I wanted roti pratha, I'd buy a pack marked roti pratha lah! Right?

Why would they wanna spend time and money designing a different packet only to use it for the same fucking piece of bread?

It baffles me, it truly does.

Why can't they make instant chapathi with atta flour instead? I'm sure that with their high tech machines and stuff where they they can find a way to do it. And if they can't the should just call a spade a spade or a roti pratha a friggin roti pratha.

But nooooo! They want to cheat us customers into thinking we're eating good wholesome chapathi when it's just roti pratha that'll clog up our arteries and give us heart attacks.

Stop cheating us lah. We're not all that blind you know, Mister Instant Chapathi Maker?

Don't be so 'Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi lah', boleh tak?

Ramu Update
He is well. Has already done 2 worshes and I think he's been doing an excellent job (as if lah I've never used a washing machine before kan?)

Job Update
I am submitting tomorrow. I am kinda sad because some of the bigger projects I've been working on will be taking place after I am gone and I won't be able see it come alive. :-(

But...yeah...sometimes you gotta learn to let go and move on eh?

As for the new job kG, I dunno where you get this idea about it being so glam. It's not lah. There are always shitty clients to please. But that's part of the challenge, innit?

EDIT: I have finally found wholewheat instant chapathi.

News

2007-03-26T23:39:00.000+08:00

The good news first: Meet Ramu, the new dobi, our the latest addition to the G-family.

After 2 months of hand washing our clothes, I am just about ready to give up hand washing clothes for the rest of my life... I mean the exercise is great but my back is not. It's not as fun as its made out to be, I'll tell ya that.

I know that our grandmothers never used washing machines to do the laundry and handwashed practically everything (and beat the crap out of the clothes too - remember the flat stone they used to beat the clothes on?) but they had all the time in the world okay, and 15 maids (or children) at their beck and call.

So yes, I am so completely elated at the fact that Ramu has joined us. Probably a little like what Angelina would have felt when she Pax joined her family y'know? Except that of course, Pax is no dobi and will have a pretty nice life ahead of him. I do promise to take good care of Ramu though.

Enough about him, let's move on to the other good news. I have secured myself a new job. I am really thrilled at the opportunity that has come up and I am looking forward to the madness a PR agency would bring. I seriously need a little more challenge in my work in order to feel that what I am doing is really meaningful. And I need to get away from a certain particular creep who's just bursting with all the negative vibes.

I'm sad to leave because there are a few people I really get along with at the office but a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do at times eh?

There's also gonna hafta be a bit of juggling what with the studies and all but you know me..Ariel never feels like Ariel unless there's a bit of chaos in her life.

We've got the staff trip going on this weekend at the present place where I work. A lot of blood, sweat and tears put into organising it with my good pals Z&Z. I guess it will be good, a gathering for one last time. Got Hems as my roomie, since the G-man decided that he's too cool to go to places out in the boondocks like Rom.pin. We've enrolled in the karaoke contest, and we're gonna be croaking to the tune of Si.na.tra's NewYork, NewYork. If it pours heavily in Rom.pin this weekend, you know why.

OMG! Ramu's hit the spin cycle right now. I so gotta check it out.

And no, there's no bad news..... yet. I do however expect a big fat fuss when I hand in the letter.

Weird

2007-03-17T19:40:00.000+08:00

Since I hardly blog, I thought I'll leave you with one more entry.

Last Tuesday night, I had problems falling asleep. I think sometime after 4am, I finally fell asleep coz I was having a dream (I fail to remember its contents now, but I remember that it was really funny).

I was giggling in my dream coz it was so damned funny right? And then I heard the G-Man call out to me in a panicked state. I felt him tapping my back as he was doing it. The more panicked he sounded, the more I giggled, alright? And then I was no longer doing it in my dream...I knew that I was actually laughing in a conscious state and I wanted to stop laughing but I COULD NOT!!!

And the G-Man was really trying to get me to wake-up. After a few seconds, I finally stopped and gained some compusure and the G-Man said that it sounded as though I was choking and he got worried.

I cannot for the life of me remember why the hell I felt as though I was giggling and he said it sounded like I was gasping for breath. I was lying face down so it cannot possibly be my tongue having slipped back into my throat for me to choke.

It's still quite a mystery.

The other thing was kG's SPM results. I dreamt that he had gotten 13As and somehow mysteriously when I woke up, the sentence "I got 13As" was composed on the SMS screen of my fone. I was quite baffled and composed a msg to kG asking him if he really got 13As... he of course did not reply cz he was busy being a (Star) B.R.A.T in Lang.kawi.

I think I am doing weird things in my sleep.

Rambling

2007-03-17T17:52:00.000+08:00

I scored a Distinction in one of the papers I thought I would fail. I am like...I so cannot believe it dammit!

However, I was a little disappointed in the cre.ative writing ass.ignment in which i scored a dumbfuck credit. I console myself by saying that since the person who marked the paper is an award winning ex beebeeC journalist, maybe it's okay (to be very honest, I am very depressed with the result la babi! It's the only C among Ds. There goes my dreams of getting a scholar.ship. to do my peeHD and become a pendidik generasi akan datang yg eccentric!)

I have discovered that I am totally and completely fascinated with Semi.otics and Dis.course Analysis. I want to do a course on it. Once I am an expert I will become cryptic as hell and you folks will have to figure me out. OK you don't have to but I love the idea of people trying to figure me out because I am mad (and have visions of grandeur about self) like that.

The other discovery I have made is this: When I was younger, I absolutely hated studying. Now, I think I might be addicted to it.

And here's the thing...(kG, take note) you've gotta study about something you're really passionate about (the person who had the idea of forcing me into doing IT in college needs a kick in the arse).

Although I always knew I wanted to be a writer... my family didn't quite want me to venture into it. They wanted me to do something that 'has more potential for money-making'. Ironically, IT's not what is paying the bills for me today, is it? It's my writing work that is...so there! A big fat kick in the arse!

And kG... you're a lucky one. Not many people can say with great conviction what they want to do after completing their SPM. You've found your niche..You're good at it. Don't ever let anyone take that dream away from you. Pursue it and you will find that pot of happiness at the end of the rainbow.

Sounding rather incoherent is I, eh? But that's normal apparently. The human mind tends to jump from one thought to another all the time. I am just being a normal human, Axinar, unlike you, who aspire to become a robot.

Anyways, I think the underlying message of this post is...you gotta pursue what you really love. And as idealistic and cliched as it may sound, for those who see their dreams through, all the pain it takes to get there would be fucking worth it.

Ohh and one more thing...vodka-ribena is good for the soul.

(As if you didn't know all this right?)

You Think You Had a Bad Day?

2007-03-09T16:47:00.000+08:00

Earlier, I was gonna blog about how after 8 years of having worked, I cried for the first time on the job today. It happened coz the boss was being an absolute prick.

But I am not posting it coz it's just not worth it.

I conclude by saying that someday, somewhere, somehow justice will be served. The owners of the many toes he stepped on will arise to stick a spear up his arse.

And I will read a short poem I once wrote as a tribute to him.

The Death of It

Calls out the desperate
man, Clown face
Thinking he's cheating Fate when
Destiny at a dead end
is in my hand

Cold blue blue
black Death by steel
for an old friend,
love's gotta give
it doesn't steal

What's real? Surreal?
Revenge is sweet
I say drink from this cup
your hour isn't up
but I 've come, bottoms up
now,
and Shut-eye don't shut

Smile, Whine, Fucking Swine

Does it hurt?
Like it won't
Like you didn't
know
that the silent needle
piercing your dream
that won't let you scream
won't it hurt?
Like you didn't know
your heart won't bleed.

I won't weep,
not for a dirty creep.

But you are where you belong,
loveless,
clothed in nakedness
what ugliness
in the wet ground
in a pit, we dug
just for you, BlackHeart.

And your obit would read:
He died chasing his crown
of greed & deceit
into the down

Skodengs suck eggs!

2007-03-07T21:00:00.001+08:00

Pardon me for being quite Jakun, my dears... BUT I'VE FINALLY GOT INTERNET ACCESS AT HOME!!!!

Abang Long can no longer spy on moi!!!

Anyways...a few days ago, I was slapped with the list of sites I visit during work hours. Yeah, I was quite shocked too.

I mean it's not that I thought it impossible. Anything's possible these days because of people like Jo.el Bar.ker who ask questions like 'What is impossible to be done in your business that if it can be done today will funda.mentally change your business (for the better)? - in efforts to spur innovativeness and all that crap.

But I never thought they (abang long & co) would stoop to Mat Skodeng levels lah... bloody hell! Ah... well... lowlifes will be lowlifes, I suppose.

I am a bit miffed though...cz there was no warning that anyone was monitoring our surfing patterns and no one had told us that blogs were off limits. Ah... well... lowlifes will be lowlifes, I suppose.

I am now trying to shake off an addiction to certain blogs. Forgive me if you no longer see my comments.

Ciao!

2007-02-26T13:59:00.000+08:00

Kindly disregard the previous entry.

4 days ago I was younger, and hence rather callous and silly-er.

Now, I am just plain boring.

Dead Eyes

2007-02-15T14:11:00.000+08:00

it’s 12.18
the sky is silent but starry
and i am without light

my spirit is weary
from all that dancing my mind's been doing
like the flicker of solitary candle flame

i am imagining you
in a green, with red and gold trimming kancheepuram saree
a nethichudi
a kungumam pottu on your forehead
and the same vermillion powder rubbed along the centre parting of your hair
which has malligai flowers in it
you are wearing perfume, I can’t tell what it is
There is a tumbler of paal in your hands
you eyes are downcast
your heart a-thumping in your chest
don't worry you won't collapse

you're shy
like a bride on her first night
because you were a bride on your first night
with a million expectations
for a million good things to happen
must happen, because you had found your knight

did you know? did you know?
that all the love he promised you that night was not meant to be?
that all that strength you saw in his eyes was a reflection of yours, really

did you know, Amma?
that I was all he could give to you
because he knew he was going
to where he can never return from
and he left me in his place
to fill his big black shoes

but even I am flawed, Amma
coz I am not just like him
I AM him
dark, dangerous, and with a penchant for breaking the hearts
of all those who love me, didn't he?

often, I think I have failed you, Amma

and yet
you forgive me, like you forgave him
for robbing you of your pottu, your thaali
and colourful sarees

tell me Amma, how could you not know
that this was the kinda ride you were in for
when death was already in his eyes
in the first photograph of him you ever saw?

The title somewhere in the post

2007-02-14T10:21:00.000+08:00

Caution: Contrary to pic, this entry might end on a mushy note.

Valentine's Day as we know it today is overrated.

I mean it's not the concept behind the day that I am against. Expressing your love is great thing but having to fork out so much money to buy things of which the prices are jacked up simply because there is increased demand is really ridiculous.

It's a little bit difficult to stomach the fact that people would spend hundreds of bucks just to impress someone else when there are other people starving in the world.
Besides, for the G-Man and I, I think there are little celebrations of our love in our everyday lives.

Like when he bites me when I am fast asleep because of geramness and I wake up and smack him because it was a reflex action and then we both laugh like mad fuckers bout it (happened last night).

Or like when we've got a whole fucking room full of boxes full of god-knows-what which we haven't unpacked and he says "You need muscle, I'll do the job. Unpacking stuff is just too petty for someone like me. Just ain't my forte, babe." And I don't smack him for it.

Like whenever he sees this look on my face, he bends his head towards me coz he knows that I want to smell his hair (silly habit I have...used to like sniffing babies' heads and now it's the G-Man's).

Like when we sometimes find out hands together as we wait for sleep to take over at night.

It's things like that make what we have special.

Not roses. Not all that commercialised crap.

I think at some point in a relationship, people go beyond merely wanting to material things.

Aaaand

I want to name this entry: I will be as happy today as I am any other day because somebody put a song my heart

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL.

And remember, say no to roses.

...

2007-02-09T12:05:00.000+08:00

I am missing Bali.

A lot.

Phobias

2007-02-07T16:53:00.000+08:00

It's confirmed. Apart from all furry animals and mountains whose caves are very visible, I am deathly afraid of pressure cookers.

Previously, when I have had to cook mutton, I have grumbled that things would be so much easier if I had a pressure cooker. Then the G-Man's aunt went and presented us with this nice pressure cooker as a moving in gift.

Now that I have one, I cannot gather the courage to use it.

This is because, I believe that I have been cursed to carry a bad luck cloud over my head for the next 20 years or so. This bad luck cloud, I believe, will tell the thing to malfunction. The lid will fly off the cooker while I am using it, or it'll explode or something else that's equally bad will happen.

And that will have a very undesirable effect on the hood, for sure.

So I am convinced that the pressure cooker is a scary scary thing. I want to wait for my mom to come down so she can use it for the first time and unjinx it (because my mom has those kinda superpowers okay?).

The other thing that I am afraid of is the ladder. I do not quite like being around the ladder or on it. That is because:

No 1: I am quite gayat (although you would prolly wonder wtf is she doing living in a condo if she has fear of heights - I had problems adjusting to it initially but all I've ever lived in since I was 20 were condos so now I am used to it). The G-Man has commented that the I could make it for the Master.Card's 'Priceless' ad because of the look on my face when I am on a ladder.

No 2: Remember the bad luck cloud? Yes, and I already have a slipped disc thank you for asking.

Paying the Price

2007-01-31T13:41:00.000+08:00

I am hereby pleased to announce that the wrath of God hath been unleashed upon me:

1. I am deathly ill and my flegem (Ashburn told me it's spelt this way) sometimes has blood in it. When I cough it's like all the world's flegem is stuck in my lungs and it's trying to escape like kambing keluar kandang.

2. The stupid KWSP site I want to check out won't load.

3. I can't pay attention at meetings and I want to be on MC. But I was already on MC from noon yesterday because I was even more deathly ill yesterday.

4. My head is so full of fluff that I can take Babe's spot as Bimbo of the Day today. Usually I am only the runner-up.

~~And finally. Despite being deathly ill, I am horny. Which means that even though physically my body wouldn't be able to handle it...~~

Home, At Last

2007-01-12T09:55:00.000+08:00

Somewhere in this tower, I will dwell

come twentyfifth Jan onwards

Meet the happy meandering stream

(and some water hose running parallell to it)

that's not so happy

because

1) She's a fake meandering stream

2) Because the trees on her banks are still botak.

Actually they are frangipani trees.

I loike frangipani trees.

Meet OrangeFlower.

She, like the botak frangipani trees,

also lives by the meandering stream.

The so called glass-edged pool

which

looks pretty (from the outside)

but

isn't really practical for doing laps

A section of the pool for serious swimmers (which hopefully, is what I'll become someday)

surrounded by grey walls

and

some m&m like deco thingies (apart from the red one you see here, there are more on the other side)

p.s: Shan't be posting pix of the unit itself coz the stark empty apartment had such a jarring effect on me, I'm sure it'll be the same for you too. So you're gonna hafta wait till I get it furnished to get interior pix.

Pontianak Belai Rambut Saya

2007-01-10T17:03:00.000+08:00

No, it is not a title from Mastika okay?

Yesterday evening, I had helped rush a colleague to the ER at Pan.tai coz she was having acute pain in her lower abdomen.

Later in the night, after the G-Man had gone to sleep (he’s got a bad case of the flu and he was on meds), I went to hang out the laundry, packed some stuff up for the new house, had a smoke, and went to bed. I couldn’t sleep immediately coz I was a bit worried about the G-Man’s fever which didn’t seem to go away even after the Panadol. Eventually, I guess, I fell asleep.

Which was probably when the nightmare started. I don’t remember much of it, except for the end - a pontianak (banshee/vampire thingy) was stroking my hair and everyone else (including the friend whom we took to the ER) seemed to be watching it with a look of horror on their faces.

I know it was an unpleasant dream and I wanted oh so badly to wake up but I couldn’t until that final part when I finally woke up –sweating – and felt a kind of tingling at the crown of my head. Actually it was more of a ticklish feeling – a feeling I get when someone else gets too close to my head, tries to touch or touches my hair (if I can tahan to let them lah). I felt it for maybe 30 seconds or so and I touched the place a few times to try and make it stop. Didn’t work.

I moved around a bit. Sat up. Then it stopped.

I wanted to wake the G-Man up but thought against it since he wasn’t too well and all. I didn’t switch on the light but there’s quite a bit of light coming into my room from the windows so I looked around the room (esp the ceiling and atop cupboards to see if she was perched up there).

I could see nothing but I had this feeling of dread. The clock showed that it was 1.59am but while I was asleep and dreaming it felt like the whole night had passed and it should be about 5.59am. I had the whole fucking night ahead of me!

I started chanting the Gayatri mantra – which I always do when I am afraid. Over and over and over again.

I was ‘unclean’, if you get what I mean. And the G-Man was so sick his spirits must’ve been quite down too. Dunno if I’m being overly superstitious but I was worried that something might have followed me home last night.

Ariel Unmasked

2006-12-28T08:56:00.000+08:00

Oh, I might as well just tell you what I went and did last Friday night.

Ariel Ravenstorm made a rare public appearance at Sharanya Manivannan's launch of Iyari at the In.die Sce.ne Ca.fe. Ariel Ravenstorm was cajoled into reading poems to an audience by her mad lemur cousin kG and so Ariel Ravenstorm decided to stare one of her biggest fears in the eye and just read.

However, from the experience, she discovered that she is no performance poet. (and no matter what anyone says, I know that I am not because I felt uncomfortable doing it...).

Respect to all the others who do it so very well but it is just not my scene.

I have to say that Sharanya gave me goosebumps when she read You Bring Out the Sri Lankan in me. It makes me sad to say that no one to date has been able to bring out the Malayalee in me for me to be able to write something profound about my roots like that.

The blog is more my kinda thing. It's pathetic, I know but yeah..I'm just too frickin shy. Can you believe that?

Thanks to all those people who complimented me on the poems that night. Like I said before I read, I was fucking nervous.

And Sashe, it was great to meet ya! :-)

MEN!

2006-12-26T08:57:00.000+08:00

The G-Man and I have been going all about town hunting for stuff for our condo.

We have devised a system. I have veto power when it comes to decisions on furniture. All electrical items are his area except for lights which we did not have much problems since he let me pick out the ones I liked and he liked the same ones as well. Of course, when we exercise our veto powers, we check with each other and do take into consideration each other's concerns and recommendations - to the untrained eye it may seem like we're arguing, but that is not so.

So we went to like 200 shops (I'm blowing it out of porportion lah but you get the idea) in even the most obscure corners of Klang Valley just for ceiling fans. We needed to buy 4 units since we already have 1 unit.

First the problem was he wanted to buy 'r.e.m.o.t.e c.o.n.t.r.o.l' (RC) operated fans because apparently it has been a life-long dream to own remote control fans (apart from a set of *Pioneer* record mixers because deep down inside is a rap & hip hop D.J. who's dying to get out. I've heard him spin and I'll admit he's quite good and it's not the kinda crap u get with clubs these days) .

So anyways, it was decided that we might get those RC fans for the living and dining areas respectively and normal fans for the rooms. He asked my opinion and I told him that if I were buying I'd just buy normal fans coz for the price of 2 RC fans I could get 4 normal fans.

Then if we bought normal fans he wanted to know if we should buy .K.D.K. or Pana.sonic fans. He even went to the websites to compare both brands. The thing is (and I tried to tell him many times) its really the same fan, manufactured by the same company but under different brands but no, he's anal like that. I think he was very interested in the .K.D.K. which is a few bucks more than the Pana.sonic but it's basically the same fan with the same parts and all that crap.

So I started saying, "G-Man let's be practical..... "And that was it, he didn't even wait for me to finish the sentence...He went and bought 4 Panasonic fans and he is now blaming me for having messed up one of his biggest dreams in life.

He even told me that he will only be able to get RC fans in his next life and for that he has to make sure he doesn't end up marrying me in the next life (to which I was slightly insulted and pouted for the next 20 mins until we went and found the perfect bed and ordered it lah).

And now we're agonising over choosing a washer and dryer (for which I have some degree of say). What will it be? Elec.tro.lux? Aris.ton? In.de.sit? MoreDreamWrecking?